Just because we have the technology to make something, does not mean we should. That is the case with many of these toys. While usually “weird toys” are niche or fetish items, I have dug into the deepest corners of the internet to bring you the most truly weird sex toys. These toys range from cheap attempts to hustle a buck to extravagant many “weird” toys out there are niche products, I have dug into the deepest parts of the web to find everything from the cheapest attempt to create a pleasure device to the most unnecessarily extravagant male sex toys.

See Through, Plastic Sex Doll

Sex dolls come in many shapes and varieties. There are heavy silicone dolls that cost an arm and a leg and then there are blow up options of all varieties (from area 51 to goats). This plastic attempt at a hentai doll takes the cake for cheap, they didn’t even give the doll any features! Although, you can purchase a separate, pink sleeve to give the orifice more texture and actually features. While the attachment would make it easier to clean, it is a bit silly that they have sold an important part separate from the device itself.

Spiky Masturbation Glove

If you are more of a traditionalist and prefer your hand over fancy male masturbators, but you’re looking to spice things up, this spiky glove meant to enhance masturbation may pique your interest. Made of questionably squishy material, you’re guaranteed to need an entire bottle of lube to combat the stickiness and drag of this contraption. This device reminds me of earrings from Hot Topic that used to be so popular back in the 90’s.

Geisha Stroker

This is another poor attempt at bringing hentai to life. While I appreciate that they gave this one features, the mold for the masturbator was too rounded and the features come out more statue of worship than sexy. The toy itself looks nothing like the anime character on the box. There are a couple of varieties you can find on Amazon, including one laying down in doggy style, but the features are the same. Granted, most users of this device won’t pay that much attention to the features, but for those going after that hentai girl look, this toy falls short.

Gold Prostate Massager

While most toys that make it on my weird male sex toy list are cheap and poorly made, there are the few that over reach and are unnecessarily extravagant. For example the Lelo 24K gold-plated prostate massager. This fancy take on but play even comes with gold plated cufflinks. To top it off, this basic remake of a toy that costs $150 and vibrates is a whopping $2.5K!

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Gold Plated Masturbator

If anal toys aren’t your thing, this company offers 24K gold plated masturbator. I say masturbator, but really it’s a large ring for your penis with a silicone hole through the middle of the gold plating. This one is only $450, but the only feature it has going for it is the gold plating around the edge. This is just another great example of unnecessary extravagance.

Car Lighter Operated Blow Job

This device is a blowob machine that plugs up to the lighter port in your car. It is designed to create an authentic “road head” feeling for men who spend a lot of time on the road. Not only do I recognize this as a hazardous idea, but the manufacturers do as well! The website where you can buy this things states “not for use while driving.” It’s ridiculous to market something for “road head” and then state not to use it for its obvious intended purpose.

Cup O’ Pussy?

Have you ever made a cup of noodles and thought about sticking your member into it? Someone, somewhere has – and that is probably what inspired this sex toy. The packaging hints at a strange mix between hentai and cup of noodles, but once it’s opened you have a nondescript hole that looks like it might have an infection of somesort. This masturbator is a one shot… cup and doesn’t seem like it would be worth the money unless you’re in a tight pinch and really like cup of noodles.

Mustachioed Masturbator

If the wired remote and noseless mustache doesn’t draw your attention, the detailed teeth and tentacles protruding just beyond the tongue sure will! This masturbator looks like it would simulate a fuzzy blowjob but instead just vibrates around your member. On top of the tentacles and vibrations this toy seems to be made of cheap material and has a mustache you can buy at the dollar store. It has made it onto my list of weird sex toys because it looks like it was thrown together one drunken night by a bunch of horny clowns.

Vagina & Breast Mashup

These types of toys have always intrigued me. When I come across them I often joke that this must be the “ideal female form.” Joking aside, I can see how this would be appealing for someone who is into breasts, but what gets me is that on the box it mentions it is modeled “directly from” someone. That’s just silly, there’s no way this is modeled after “directly” after someone. Possibly just the breasts and vulva, but the anatomy is off-putting when you’re not turned on and using the toy.

Foot Long Stroker

I had to really dig to find the final toy on my list. Your eyes do not deceive you. This “Foot Long” stroker is indeed disguised as a hotdog. The packaging shows that one end is a vagina while the other is a nondescript hole. I love that the panties on the box asks “Got Mayonnaise,” but I wouldn’t be able to use this seriously. I don’t understand the obsession with disguising sex toys as food, and this one is more likely to draw too many questions to be discreet.

5 COMMENTS

  1. I think the weirdest out of all of these are the gold plated toys. How insecure do you have to be to even flaunt your riches when you’re just trying to get off. The gold plating doesn’t add any extra pleasure to the device or experience. It just makes you look fancy. And who are you trying to impress when you’re lonely and jerking it just like the rest of us lonely fucks? Haha. Gotta remind yourself that you’re rich just to keep it up, huh?

  2. Those tits look great, but with the vag not even half way down a torso it would make playing with them hard while trying to use the device.

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